The cloaked one studies mourning

    All I could see from where I stood

Was three long mountains and a wood;

I turned and looked another way,

And saw three islands in a bay.

So with my eyes I traced the line

Of the horizon, thin and fine,

Straight around till I was come

Back to where I'd started from;

And all I saw from where I stood

Was three long mountains and a wood.

 

Over these things I could not see;

These were the things that bounded me;

And I could touch them with my hand,

Almost, I thought, from where I stand.

And all at once things seemed so small

My breath came short, and scarce at all.

 

But, sure, the sky is big, I said;

Miles and miles above my head;

So here upon my back I'll lie

And look my fill into the sky.

And so I looked, and, after all,

The sky was not so very tall.

The sky, I said, must somewhere stop,

And—sure enough!—I see the top!

The sky, I thought, is not so grand;

I 'most could touch it with my hand!

And reaching up my hand to try,

I screamed to feel it touch the sky.

 

I screamed, and—lo!—Infinity

Came down and settled over me;

Forced back my scream into my chest,

Bent back my arm upon my breast,

And, pressing of the Undefined

The definition on my mind,

Held up before my eyes a glass

Through which my shrinking sight did pass

Until it seemed I must behold

Immensity made manifold;

Whispered to me a word whose sound

Deafened the air for worlds around,

And brought unmuffled to my ears

The gossiping of friendly spheres,

The creaking of the tented sky,

The ticking of Eternity.

 

I saw and heard, and knew at last

The How and Why of all things, past,

And present, and forevermore.

The Universe, cleft to the core,

Lay open to my probing sense

That, sick'ning, I would fain pluck thence

But could not,—nay! But needs must suck

At the great wound, and could not pluck

My lips away till I had drawn

All venom out.—Ah, fearful pawn!

For my omniscience paid I toll

In infinite remorse of soul.

 

All sin was of my sinning, all

Atoning mine, and mine the gall

Of all regret. Mine was the weight

Of every brooded wrong, the hate

That stood behind each envious thrust,

Mine every greed, mine every lust.

 

And all the while for every grief,

Each suffering, I craved relief

With individual desire,—

Craved all in vain! And felt fierce fire

About a thousand people crawl;

Perished with each,—then mourned for all!

 

A man was starving in Capri;

He moved his eyes and looked at me;

I felt his gaze, I heard his moan,

And knew his hunger as my own.

I saw at sea a great fog bank

Between two ships that struck and sank;

A thousand screams the heavens smote;

And every scream tore through my throat.

 

No hurt I did not feel, no death

That was not mine; mine each last breath

That, crying, met an answering cry

From the compassion that was I.

All suffering mine, and mine its rod;

Mine, pity like the pity of God.

 

Ah, awful weight! Infinity

Pressed down upon the finite Me!

My anguished spirit, like a bird,

Beating against my lips I heard;

Yet lay the weight so close about

There was no room for it without.

And so beneath the weight lay I

And suffered death, but could not die.

 

quoted from "Renascence" by  Edna St. Vincent Millay (Renascence and Other Poems , 1917)

Today, I was able to read more articles on the Five of Cups. Sitting longer with its messages gave me comfort that it is just one more phase in the ebb and flow of life.

According to www.buildingbeautifulsouls.com, The Five of Cups is a psychological process rather than an actual event. Diverging from the usual impressions of sorrow, the cloaked figure could very well be studying the spilled contents of the cups, which upon closer look are red and green liquids. The writer/s suggest that these liquids allude to the Ayurvedic and medieval medicine's belief that illnesses were caused by imbalance in the elements in our body. These elements are closely related to our body fluids known as humors: blood (red), phlegm(green), choler (bile/yellow), and melancholy (excessive bile? Black).

Sanguine people are passionate, phlegmatics are laidback, choleric persons are hot tempered, and finally the melancholics are withdrawn and sad. 

From this, we can say that the passion represented by the red liquid from the first two cups are no more; the green one tells about the repose that had to become grief-- the black cloak of melancholy!

I could have not figured that out!

I am faithful that the cloaked one will turn around, pick up what's left and cross the bridge. Until then she is free to experience all the colors.

 

how to practice Buddhism/spirituality in light of this crisis

     This was my reply to a friend who asked "How can we still stick to our Buddhist / spiritual practices and apply them in light of the crisis? " 

    

As trite or as invalidating as it may sound, I think that the current situation is a great chance to *WORK* on our Buddha nature.

 

I highlight the *WORK* because it takes real, embodied and continual work to shift our consciousness from what is conditioned and impermanent to that which is eternal and pure while not being consumed by both. Meaning embracing "what is". Embracing all states, all feelings, all realities without escaping but without indulging it in compulsion.  We are not all positive. We are not all negative. We can be both. But we are more than those too.

 

As a human in this day and age it is not easy. But see, when our comforts, our subconscious desires, stored memories, beliefs, unconscious beliefs, coping mechanisms are shaken and challenged, this is an invitation to look at our "core". When nothing else matters, who are we? What are we here for? Even The Buddha reminded us not to solely follow his words but seek our own truth.

 

How do we create space every day to find "our truth"? It may be as simple and small as pausing and acknowledging a feeling in our gut, listening to it say: You have been consuming too much salt. And how do we go about our daily lives carrying our newfound truths? I think this is very personal.

 

My point of focus nowadays have been my traumas, forgotten memories and self-talk. Meditation helps me a lot but I fail to do it consistently. I try to forgive myself. I cry when I can. I laugh hard when I can. I eat with gusto even when the sugar adds to my waistline. I get angry.

 

I change my long term plans every day. It is exhausting. All I can really do is accept them and invite more light. Maybe I'll never reach my dreams. Maybe one fine day it will all work out, at least for now, the sky is blue and I am breathing.

 

I wish I could analyze more and use terms from ancient texts. But that is just another desire!

All I've learned so far can be summed up to this: 

We still have our free will... We can still embrace what is.

You Can Change

 

    Let’s consider four different variations on the title of this post, each emphasizing a different word.

YOU Can Change Today

    You are the driving force of change in your life. You don’t have to wait for something external to happen first. You don’t need anyone else’s permission. If some part of your life is going to change, it’s up to you and you alone.

This is a reminder to take responsibility for your situation. It’s your life. You’ll need to initiate and propel any changes you wish to make. Be proactive about that, not passive.

Even if your current circumstances weren’t entirely of your choosing, you still have the ability to create change. You can influence and direct the path forward.

Change is personal.

You CAN Change Today

    Even when you don’t see it, you still have the ability to create change. Change is always a possibility. You’re not stuck in a tunnel. There are exits all around you at every point. You can stop, leave, or change course.

Change is a choice. We don’t always see that option, but it’s there in each moment. When you want something different, you can choose to create change.

If you don’t choose change, you choose the status quo. If you’re happy with the status quo, showing up as usual may be a wise choice. Otherwise remind yourself that you can change the status quo, often by not showing up to it anymore.

There’s a way to change now.

You Can CHANGE Today

    Living today the same as you did yesterday is optional. Today could be a little different. Today could be radically different.

Sometimes change happens to us. A big event occurs, and it grabs our attention and makes us focus elsewhere. The shift in focus creates change.

You can direct your attention consciously too. Rattle yourself today instead of waiting to be rattled. Look where you don’t normally look. Listen where you’d usually tune out. Take actions you’ve never taken.

What’s different about today? Today isn’t the same as any other day. It’s new. It’s fresh. It’s unique. It’s an opportunity to experience what you’ve never previously experienced.

Will you use today to repeat the sameness of the past? Will you use today to create something a little different? Will you make today wildly different?

What will you do today that you’ve never done before?

That idea that just popped into your head…

The one you just tried to suppress…

Yup, that one…

Yes, really….

What if you did it today?

You Can Change TODAY

    Your power to create change exists now, in the present moment. Change doesn’t happen yesterday or tomorrow, only today. Every yesterday and every tomorrow exists beyond the realm of change. But today is always within that realm.

If you chose to do so, you could be in a new city within hours. You could begin a new job, career, or business today. You could exit or enter a relationship today. You could begin a new lifestyle today. You could invest in something new and different today.

Or you could make simpler changes. You could have that difficult conversation today. You could begin that new exercise program today. You could at least clean the bathroom.

It’s good to remind yourself direct action can make today a day of change.

What part of you wants to change today?

[originally written by Steve Pavlina]

September Affirmations

    I am feeling my heart opening to a new start.

My mind is focusing on the fullness of this moment and the next moment and the next.

My soul is welcoming thirty days of embodying its joys and wisdom. 

My spirit is getting stronger as I live each hour, each day.

Stronger and stronger. 

Can never be taken away.

 

My hands are eager to create.

My voice is clear and truthful.

My eyes are portals to beautiful worlds.

My ears are vessels of magical sounds.

I take you all.

I embrace. 

I am home.

You are home to me.

My body is supporting me.

Billions of my cells love me. 

My bones are tough and pure.

I allow their loving energies to nourish me.

My feet are going forward.

Step. Step.

Sure, powerful.

Mindful. Loving step.

My feet drawing in the energy of the Earth. 

Engulfing me.

I belong to the Earth. The Earth loves me.

I am getting good at feeling.

I am getting better and better at feeling.

Feeling.

Feelings. Doesn't matter. 

I take you all.

And the universe embraces me.

I am staying.

Being still, here beside me.

Thoughts, feelings.

Coming and going.

Coming .... going.

Love, peace, vexations, fear.

Coming and going.

I take you all.

I embrace. 

I am home.

You are home to me.

I am accepting my divinity. 

Divine as I am.

I hold me.

And everything.

Contracting and expanding.

I am expanding. Ever unfolding.

Powerful and loving.

I am thankful for these thirty days.

The Earth is rotating with me. 

For me.

Still moving. 

Still expanding. Still growing.

Still getting strong. Still embracing.

Love, peace, vexations, fear.

No matter. Love is around.

Love is within.

Love is with-out. 

I am accepting my highest good. 

I am reaching forward

to my highest good. 

With every breath,

I am more and more alive. 

 

Thy devil be done

 

                " I bought my wife a 24K gold bangle when we were in India. 

Beautiful, yellower-than-a-daisy and bright-as-the-sun kind of thing.

She was delighted.

One day our whirlwind-of-a-son gets hold of it. He twirls it around in his fingers, holds 

it up to the light, brings it to his mouth, and before we can stop him...

Sinks his teeth right into it.

The thing was so soft that it now has tooth-shaped indentations all around.

A jeweler would have to melt it down and work it back into shape if we wanted it restored 

to its former glory.

But if that gold bangle had had just a bit more zinc, copper, and nickel added to it, 

it’d be tough enough that you couldn’t bite into it.

And, you could still call it gold.

But if you added too many other elements, it wouldn’t be gold anymore.

That got me thinking.

If you’re too pure, you lack grit. You end up being so soft that life’ll chew right through you.

But if you’re too impure, you lose your luster. You end up being such a formless mishmash 

that there’s no telling you’re you.

So the question is—

How do you maintain enough purity while also allowing yourself to become worldly, to mix 

with the dirt of life, to be both hard and bright? "

[post I read from Quora, orig. author unknown]

A Sacred Ten

     Whenever I see the tenth suit of Swords and Wands, I almost always run to the fact that it bears the number ten so I can console myself. This man has been through A LOT. This man has taken on burdens after burdens. This man is pushing the limits. At last, he is allowed to be exhausted. 

Number ten is a completion. Number ten reduces to 1; it has both the vibrations of a pillar (a foundation) and coming full circle. The ten also corresponds to the Wheel of Fortune, which signifies change, major shifts, and cycles. 

There was a YouTube video a few years back of the lovely Teal Swan talking about "Endurism", a term she coined for basically staying in painful situations as a coping strategy. This would be the opposite of  "Escapism". There is so much to be said about why people choose (whether they are aware or not) to stay in unhappy situations. 

Sometimes, the shift merely comes from a change in perception. And the new perception may come from a seemingly unrelated circumstance long after the "situation" has been put to the back burner. Almost like an "accident".

I'd share something related.

Years ago, I would feel anxious, heavy, and sad just by walking on particular streets around our area. But especially along a distant relative's property. This was where I spent my college days. I'll just say I was mostly miserable there. My mom and I took a walk recently and ended up dropping by the place. At some point, I stood outside the gate, and looked at the surroundings. I looked at the three lanes branching off from that corner into three different streets. Streets where I tried to live normally. Where I studied, walked, talked to friends, kept wishing things will change. I noticed how small they all appear now (which is not uncommon but a curious phenomenon). Up until today, these places trigger in me feelings of regret and failure. Of what should have been.

Suddenly,  I was aware that I do not care anymore. I was gripped by a sense of being free at last. I heard the words: I can leave this life - (I am ready).  It just happened. Out of the blue. Without effort, without expectation. There was nothing for me there anymore. 

I have no explanation except for the natural course of things at play. What a fitting card I drew for that day!

On Patience

     I often confuse the Seven of Pentacles to be the suit AFTER the Eight of Pentacles. The image of the guy waiting for his coins to be "harvested" here seems apt as the next scene after the slog. Studying its interpretations have just recently trained my mind to think patience— a beginner's patience to be exact. To me, this is a man who has not yet developed his own pace, strengths, and flow but is nonetheless close to his goals and rewards. 

Patience has always been attributed to Earth signs most especially my Sun sign, Virgo. For a long time, however, I was yet to learn how to make it a virtue. Because frankly, I have used patience as a poor substitute for boundaries, honesty and responsibility in many situations. Ha! (I might write more about it one day.) 

What kind of patience is "virtuous" anyways?  I like how the great poet and mystic Rumi recognized that all great undertakings begin with a nothingness, what is not there— a tiny problem. A place to fill. Even boredom or a petty annoyance can be a chance. He also touched on how much man is held back by his attachments to certain results.

Indeed we can argue that the greatest visionaries held on to their visions not because of some sort of deadline or certainty of outcome. 

Perhaps then, true patience in its core, is an active surrender. To see things through with trust in every moment, that if we immerse in what is in front of us it naturally leads to where it must.  

This also seems to coincide with the Seven of Pentacles imagery.

"I’ve said before that every craftsman

searches for what’s not there

to practice his craft.

A builder looks for the rotten hole

where the roof caved in. A water carrier

picks the empty pot. A carpenter

stops at the house with no door.

Workers rush toward some hint

of emptiness, which they then

start to fill. Their hope, though,

is for emptiness, so don’t think

you must avoid it. It contains

what you need!

Dear soul, if you were not friends

with the vast nothing inside,

why would you always be casting your net

into it, and waiting so patiently?

This invisible ocean has given you such abundance,

but still you call it “death,”

that which provides you sustenance and work.

God has allowed some magical reversal to occur,

so that you see the scorpion pit

as an object of desire,

and all the beautiful expanse around it

as dangerous and swarming with snakes.

This is how strange your fear of death

and emptiness is, and how perverse

the attachment to what you want. "

~from ‘Craftsmanship and Emptiness’  by Rumi

Remembering death

The Latin saying, "Memento mori" , translates to 'remember death'. 

When I got this card I asked for an additional message so I intuitively opened a page on a Buddhism book (Dharma text). Boy, did the universe wink again when the paragraph I got talks about the "Law of Karma" ! (for noobs, it's not what we usu. think it is!  Sorryyy😁😉) 

To live  is to die one day. This is the absolute Law. And if the "Justice" inherent in all conditioned, transient things does NOT forget,  it follows that it cannot forget ANYTHING. All that was thought,  all that was spoken,  all that was done. 

The Buddha offered us a threefold way to honor and live with the inevitability of death: think rightly, speak rightly,  do rightly. 

Fully meditating (sitting quietly) on death is something I haven't done enough. But the beauty of this subject is that it is so,  so immediate, powerful and always timely that just reminding yourself you can't stay here forever and you can't do anything about it gives you a shift,  be it cognitively, energetically or otherwise. 

According to the Dharma,  we cannot "act" without our physical body. So our humanness here and now is a special gift, a unique power. May we not let this chance go to waste.

On Uncertainty

     I have only recently appreciated the Queen of Cups and the wider nuances of her energy. Right now I can say that she is the master of Uncertainty. 

Uncertainty is one of my biggest kryptonites. Perhaps only second to being sick and alone. The worldwide "crisis" only amplified it for me. Most days, I am not even certain of what I am uncertain about! Hah! 

Uncertainty leads to stress. Which leads to anxiety which leads to desperation. 

Which can lead to more serious forms of anxiety and depression. It's no joke. So imagine going through this if you are of the neurotic personality? If you naturally possess anxious temperaments? Also for the ones who rely more on logic and intellect? The need to know is so strong that we HAVE TO  look for answers and solutions.

In my experience, it rarely occurred to me that I didn't "have to". That I totally have the choice to not find the answer!

Knowing, or the process of finding answers has always been the only way. It doesn't matter if I am looking for the wrong answers or looking for it in the wrong places. I have to be able to convince myself that "I (will) know". 

The non-acceptance of uncertainty is essentially a resistance. It is a push away; a hardening against that which we perceive as harmful or painful. It is also a closing off from most of life's possibilities. 

Well, it's easy to say accept or (cringe) think positive! But how exactly do we navigate the state of uncertainty?

One of my key takeaways from my favorite teacher @Teal Swan is that we need to "grace negative feelings with unconditional presence". Unconditional. This is NOT waiting until the feelings are better or manageable or acceptable. Only then can we directly face what exactly ABOUT the unknown we fear. 

The Queen of Cups is such a great embodiment of graceful, unconditional presence. She allows her flowy garment to touch the ground and keeps one foot in the water. She does not care for any weapon, adornments or fortresses because she knows she will never be too far from solid ground. She meets the currents of emotions. And she's not afraid to see within because she is the "containment" of all thoughts and feelings.

This feminine energy reminds us of openness and being soft. The states necessary to embrace uncertainty. To her, being with, is a much higher state than being sure. Being sure is an ended-ness. Being sure doesn't truly exist in this universe. 

Because in case we forgot, nothing is certain. There is nothing we can absolutely know and be sure of in this world. This Queen can laugh at the cosmic joke! With empathy of course. :)

Message from the Seven of Cups

            Imagine for a moment that enough-ness is something that can never be taken out from human consciousness. Imagine that no lack in the physical realm can ever put a dent on one's self-esteem. 

To me, if that were the case, then I'm imagining gods!

But then, imagine if even those gods were not immune to feelings of deficiency. What if the unfathomable bounty of this multiverse is irresistible even for powerful beings?  Sounds like we need specially anointed gods! 

In Greek mythology, The Moirai were the three goddesses of fate that insures every man is assigned his own slice of this multiverse and in turn his destiny.

[Their name means "Parts." "Shares" or "Alottted Portions." The individuals were Klotho (Clotho), the "the Spinner," who spun the thread of life, Lakhesis (Lachesis), "the Apportioner of Lots", who measured it, and Atropos (or Aisa), "She who cannot be turned," who cut it short. Zeus Moiragetes, the god of fate, was their leader. https://www.theoi.com/]

In this card we see gold chalices filled with tempting gifts. A closer look reveals that not everything is for his good. Some may lead him to suffering. We also notice how they appeared as if from smoke or clouds. Further suggesting that these could be illusions.

The Seven of Cups gives me a subtle but almost physical distress. On top of that, I couldn't really sympathize with the anonymous man. Maybe I know he brought it upon himself. Maybe I disdain his perceived greed. Maybe his inability to decide mirrors my issues. 

Roland Barthes' in his book "A Lover's Discourse", introduced me to the idea of 'Giver of the Fates'  which helped me reconcile this troubling card to its lesser known but deeper interpretation: the revelation of transcendental spiritual truth(s).

Barthes wrote: "I am not the only one— I am alone in nothing, I have brothers and sisters, I am to share, I must yield to the law of division: are not the goddesses of Destiny also the goddesses of the human Lot, of allotment—the Moirai, the last of whom is the Silent One, Death?"

He goes on: "Further, if I do not accept the partitioning out of love, I deny love's perfection, for it is proper to perfection to be shared......" [Jealousy, p. 145]

Although jealousy, envy and contentment are seldom directly associated to it, Seven of Cups highlights the riches (and truths) that have not yet been discerned, consciously chosen, integrated and alchemized by the seeker. Thus he sees each "treasure" separate from himself, from one another and at that, alluring. He suffers when he shares. A win or lose.There is no oneness. 

From the lens of love, the world is perfect and so it is enough for all beings. The seeker learns that he cannot truly take or give away. He must choose wisely and not fall for any illusion. Us simpler folks may get comfort from the thought that somewhere, there are three goddesses who have already allotted love (or destinies?) to us . Hey, the Greeks knew all along. We can never have it all.

 

Impostor syndrome?

     I never paid much attention to Seven of Swords until today. On a popular Tarot site, the interpretations include impostor syndrome. I also never identified with this phenomenon. But it's time to know more.

Wikipedia says: " Impostor Syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments or talents and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".
..............

The feeling of being a fraud that surfaces in impostor phenomenon is not uncommon. It has been estimated that nearly 70% of individuals will experience signs and symptoms of impostor phenomenon at least once in their life."

I haven't realized until now how many times I have actually FELT that!

My question was purely about me.
The card came off reversed...
So in this context, is the man's grin coming from a successful self-deceit? Or is it the self happily revealing this deceit??

I am rooting for the latter! 😬😛

The Enthusiastic + The Dedicated

  

        When 2019 was ending someone lent me the book Prosperity by Charles Fillmore. I took it from the shelf this week. In the middle of the volume I found this passage: 

" Whatever you form in the mind and have faith in will become substantial. Then you should be on guard as regards (to) what you put your faith in. If it is material forms, shadows that cease to be as soon as your supporting thought is withdrawn from them, you are building temporary substance that will pass away and leave you nothing." (p. 106)

At first it struck me as similar to that of a puritanical notion that striving for anything material/physical is futile and wrong. I wanted to treat the words as an oracle of the day. But my discomfort and curiosity compelled me to ask more. It took a li'l longer to connect the dots with the cards. But as usual when that AHA! moment comes, it's just amuzing (amusing + amazing ! haha). 

Mr Enthusiastic, Page of Wands admires his newfound handsome thing, that thing that he's going for, looks at it with glassy eyes. He holds it up away from his body like a finished creation. Perhaps wishing for others to see how awesome it is and how cool he looks with it. Giving us a representation of the human capriciousness, the need for novelty, and the need for approval. These are shadows that cease to be when "supporting thoughts" are withdrawn. The reversal emphasizes the immaturity and fragility of his desire. Or else a disillusionment from worldly affairs signaling a detour to spirituality.

Mr Dedicated, Eight of Pentacles shows us another way. Not by vilifying the material world but by knowing it intimately. Hunched on his pentacle in pure focus without care if anyone should be around to admire, he labors with commitment and does not stop to count how many has he finished or what else is out there. Here, he is building a substance that do not seem to leave him as they stay up securely placed on a foundation. (Without a supporting thought).

The card combination shows a great example of the "as within so without" rule in regards to prosperity. For no matter how many promising wands come our way, without that which cannot be taken from us, we are bound to go from one shiny thing  after another. A "temporary substance" that leaves us nothing in the end.

Interestingly, it reminds us that a good foundation is built not by merely guarding our faiths but more so through work. Work requires grounding the desired with intention and focus. (Again, the intimate knowing.) And in the process, the man discovers how and where he must put his faith in.

Long ago, I've read a quotation that goes something like: It's not about what you get after reaching your goals but what you become while reaching them. 

Now, that is something you can put your faith in!

The Sun

This card is not my conscious favorite but it never fails to cheer me up. ( I guess all Tarot peeps feel the same). Lately, it's the child on the horse that captures my attention more than the mighty bright sun. I love how he's not even holding onto the animal. I love how open and carefree he looks with his body. Calling me perhaps to channel the energy, optimism and jolliness of a youngster. Times have been rough for me, too. But when I am in this energy state, it is so easy. I become, for lack of a better word, guilty and ashamed that I can choose a world in this vast quantum field where almost anything is silly and I'm supposed to dance and laugh hard and make fun goals just for the heck of it. I loosen my grip to this reality before an imagined but internalized, future doom happens because I was not my "mature", "reliable" self. 

It's interesting how during the course of my own, unmentored shadow work, this child in me has gradually come out as one of my stronger fragments. At least now, I am not impulsively running from it. That's a big relief! I offer it my meditations and amusement with this Major Arcana card.

 

Cancelling Monday

    

     Something I'm not proud of, I made an agreement with myself to not "strive" on Mondays. Being the first weekday, I think most people living the "9 to 5 life" have always had this expectation placed on them to start strong on a Monday. The implicit idea being that if you were not productive on the first day you're already behind or you'll most likely continue to slack off the rest of the week. I do get the tremendous advantage of crossing off tasks or being productive right from the start. I have no need to argue this.                                  

But if you're anything like me, who doesn't always thrive in routine, who may just feel lukewarm towards their source of income, this Monday expectation can be challenging. You also could be dealing with different forms of misalignment here and there that cannot be directly addressed because of the present "crisis". It can be as small as getting a pimple from wearing masks to something big as potentially losing your business. Some Mondays almost push me to the edge. I hold some space for you here if you feel the same way.

I invite you to ask yourself what well intentioned societal expectations have you unconsciously adopted that could be burdening you. A good place to start is ask: where did this image or idea of me came from? Really sit with this question. When was the first time I felt I should be _____? I suspect that most answers would come from when we were young.

-

I am not going to sell you the cliched self-care idea because I notice that most people tend to associate it with strictly feel good, passive activities that usually attend to just one aspect of the problem. Others just "react to the powerlessness" and call it self-care. Feel good, soothing things can still be part of this but it has to come from a better place. It has to tend as much as inspire.

-

There is a way to reconcile the contradictions: In my situation, the adult who wants to perform and the kind, vulnerable person who wants to flow. We need not make an enemy of one or the other.

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The answer is what I call "conscious internal bargaining". (I just invented that, if you know the wise person who already coined this term please message me HAHAHA) To explain this, I have to tell another story. 

For now here's a summary: Acknowledge that there are two sides of you in conflict. Both need your unconditional presence. Both want what is best for you. It doesn't matter if one seems to ruin your life and the other seems closer to your ideal self. Both want you to be happy. Yes, really. Whatever you do to soothe one aspect of you, do it with a regard to the other aspect. For best results, let them talk to each other and reach an agreement.

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When I applied this concept to my Monday predicaments, I saw how I was pushing one side of me to grind "as scheduled" while hating on my fun loving, quirky side. And the more I unconsciously favor one, the more I indulge in coping mechanisms to drown the voice of the other. The shame from knowing this drags me down leading me to cope more, leading to more shame and the cycle goes on.

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Giving myself permission to not try hard on Mondays was the solution that the two conflicting sides of me came up with. So far they're both happy. Why? The adult-achiever me agrees that Mondays are not the only days to win. She realized this was a societal expectation she unconsciously believed. My quirky self knows that after some modified extended rest, it will be ready to get going again.

When we are mindful, we might see how we add shame and guilt around doing the opposite of what we say we don't like. For example, we might not want to be so active on social media but when we're offline, we keep on thinking about what we're missing out or how selfish we are for being inaccessible etc. 

When we loaf around, we keep thinking about all the tasks we should be doing. This is no loafing at all! Even when the body is at rest, the brain is still busy. Yikes! It may look like you gave in to one of your aspects' wish but no aspect of you really wins here. So an excellent shortcut is that popular "m" word: m-i-n-d-f-u-l-n-e-s-s. 

Peace and blessings!